My husband has been away since Sunday morning.  He went 8 hours away to attend the funeral of his grandmother.

His grandfather was taken to the ER as soon as the funeral was over.   He is ok, but was just recently treated for a collapsed lung, so…I fear we may be making another trip up there soon.

My grandmother…well…my grandmother wasn’t expected to make it to today.  On Saturday, I was told maybe 48 hours.  Now my mom says she said a week – she didn’t – but it’s neither here nor there.  It is impossible to tell, other than to say that death is imminent.  We had communion with her yesterday, with all those who could make it crammed into her bedroom, sitting on the floor around her.  My cousin is a pastor, and did a great mini-service, just as Gram wanted.  My aunt arrived from Texas shortly before we began, and we think that is all she was waiting for.  She does seem to look for more news of anyone coming as another reason to hang on a little longer, but I suspect it truly won’t be long now.

I am…

I know it is good she will be out of pain.  I know it is good she will be with Jesus (and I truly believe she will be.)

But, selfishly, she won’t be HERE.  She won’t be at every birthday party.  She won’t be at Christmas.  She won’t be sitting in her day room any time I want to see her, and stop over there.  She won’t be sitting there wanting a frosty any more.  She won’t be here.

So, selfishly, I am a little destroyed by that.

I feel myself sinking into a pretty big hole, and I know, it’s only as deep as I want it to be, because Jesus is right here with me.  But the hurt of knowing she won’t be there…it makes me just want to hide, and sleep, and not think about anything.  Not my husband, or my kids, or me, or my mother who will very much need me once this is over.